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The Fire of Lust Burns Out Rapidly

13 January 2012 No Comment

Hi, Robby! Your site is amazing, thank you very much for all the time you put in
it!!

Robby, I found myself in quite a tricky situation and I really need your advice.

I met Adam at a party. He had a girlfriend of 5 years when we met, he was open
about it, and after one week and one amazing emotional sex, we decided to stop,
(mainly me), because I didn’t want to get in the middle of a relationship. After
less than a month he contacted me. I found out that he broke up with his
girlfriend (apparently other reasons. They had a toxic relationship of on and
off’s for 5 years and he also cheated on her several times). Anyways, now he was
single, I had a thing with someone else by then. Yet, after about a months of us
having some sex, but being mostly apart we finally both were single and we
became sort of full on sex-buddies.
The thing is, we get along amazingly well. We feel like we are true soulmates,
he told me many many times, that I am the first girl, who made him feel this
type of a soul connection. In general, he told me many many beautiful things,
especially about my personality and “the beauty of my soul” and how we
fit together so well. Sex was amazing as well. I am much older than he is. I’m
26, he’s 22. And that is our problem. I want a serious relationship and I was
open about it from day 1. He, on the other hand, tells me, he’s not ready for a
relationship, which is fair enough considering his age and prior experience.
Having talked all of it through, eventually, we decided to spend more time
together and “see where it leads us”. After 2 weeks of some amazing
time (he basically moved in with me, it was his initiative to move in) he
suddenly said, that he needs to stop it. That he cannot do it. That all he can
see is that he will hurt me at some point and that he really doesn’t want to
hurt me, because he cares too much. He also said he’s scared of being
emotionally dependent on another human being that much. In the same time, he
said that he cannot feel romantic about me because he needs time after his
break-up, and that he really tried, but he cannot lie to himself. He also said
he is not going back to his girlfriend, we are really close and I’m 100 percent
sure he is not going to.
He also said he wanted to spend time with me, as real friends and also as
sex-buddies, because he didn’t want to lose me as a person. He cried, I cried.

Yet, I decided to cut him entirely off my life, because I need time to get over
him. I told him I’d do this, he cried some more, but agreed to it.
I am in love with him. I haven’t seen or heard from him for some time now and I
really miss him. I know he misses me as well. But I also know I am not
emotionally ready to be just his friend or his sex-buddy. At the same time, I
feel like I am making a mistake by excluding him from my life.
Please, Robby, tell me what you think I should do? Should I be his sex buddy,
secretly hoping for a relationship, or should I just forget about him and find
some-one ready to commit?

Thank you very much!
Have an amazing day!

What you should do because it is the smart thing to do, and what you should do because it is the satisfying thing to do is much different. The right advice that I should give you is to move on, because the earlier that you move on, the earlier you will forget about Adam. And because you’re not as deeply in love with him as you could be, it would be smart on your part to find someone who is ready to commit, because it is not looking like he will want to commit to you now or anytime soon. However, I personally do not like to live life with “what if’s” and always staying in the green zone. Sometimes you just want to take the path that your mind fights against, yet your heart tells you is the right way to go. So, knowing that Adam isn’t ready to commit and most likely isn’t someone you should get involved with because he seems like a sweet-talker yet isn’t someone who will stick through when things get difficult, I would say that you should probably try and stay in contact with him and see for yourself the type of person he really is.

Let’s Analyze the Past

He went out with his ex-girlfriend for 5 years and was unfaithful to her, and if you wouldn’t have stopped the ongoing fling, he probably would have continued to cheat on her without any remorse. You haven’t known him for too long, yet he seems so perfectly compatible with you that you feel like you are losing a soul mate. If he felt the same way about you, then he wouldn’t just say that you two should stay as friends or “sex-buddies” and not want something more serious. To me it appears that he wants you to stay single and have sex with him while he went around and tested the waters with other girls while always having you on the side for those moments when he is feeling like having sex but not finding someone to do it with.

Even though I am personally against the idea of you pursuing a relationship with him, whether it be “just friends” or “sex friends”, I think it would be best for you in order to get the whole “What if” out of your system. I think within the first few months your lust for him would slowly fade and you will see that there are better guys out there. And I’m saying that because they way you have described him seems like he isn’t being 100% honest with you but is just playing a game with you. Nonetheless, if you do decide to stay in touch with him and see where things go, you will learn new traits of his and over time will be able to see for yourself if he is actually right for you or not. I sound very discouraging right now, but I really think it would work out best for you if you went with your heart and saw how things unfolded. You currently feel that you are making a mistake that you are excluding him from your life, so the only way to feel better is to actually allow him to be a part of your life, and then that way if things do go south then you will not have any doubts that he may have been someone that you should have pursued but gave up on.

The age difference you two share should never come in between a couple, and being someone who is used to girlfriends much older than me, there are times that they work out much better than when the girl is younger than the man. So you shouldn’t really worry about that, but do keep in mind that a woman who is older begins to think about marriage much earlier than a younger man who is out to have fun. So if you do choose to pursue the relationship and see where it goes, do not become too attached and look at things from a slightly sober perspective. It will help you in the long run and it will allow you to see if your feelings are real or if has been all a composition of lust, passion, and good sex.


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