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The Suitable Couple?

24 May 2010 4 Comments

Dear Robby G,

My boyfriend of 2+ years and I are still together. He basically moved out on
me, and now we live on opposite sides of the city. I recently became
interested in a guy I’ve known casually for a bit. At a recent function I
sensed he was way into me, so I gave him my number. He texted immediately &
wanted to meet. I thought his intentions were of the boyfriend variety. I
showed up at his place for “lunch.” Not so. He confirmed his intentions were
only casual, and that he still had a girlfriend and was intent on keeping it
that way. I hemmed & hawed for a moment, but wound up feeling slutty &
sleeping with him. I feel my current relationship is coming to an end, and
therefore justified it that way. Now I assume this will be an ongoing
fuckbuddy thing for an indeterminate amount of time. So, my biggest question
is: why do I seem to run into this situation often, where guys see me as the
“fun” girl & not the “marriage material” girl? I know I am fun &
adventerous….but I also want a husband & kids….the total package. Second
question: the first time my fb & I hooked up, he was totally stoked about
when he could see me again. This time, he didn’t say a word. I know I
shouldn’t be obsessing, but he still wants me right? Also, I give you
extreme credit for being so forthright in your blog. Neurotic girls like me
really appreciate it! Thank you.

Saying that men do not see marriage potential in you cannot be true if you were dating a guy for 2+ years, so he obviously saw some potential, but something during the relationship went astray and you two went your different ways, even though it is not completely official yet. The only thing that makes a man not see marriage potential in a woman that is always looking for fun and adventures is that she may not give off the impression that she is herself interested in a husband and kids. In order for men to see what you want them to then you must portray yourself in that way. If they see someone who is always into partying and fun then they get the feeling that she isn’t in the market for a husband and is not intending to get too serious at this time. But if you were to talk and somehow show to them in a way that would give men the idea that you want marriage, then you would attract the sort of men that do want a wife and kids in the near future.

Now, about your fuckbuddy who simmered down after you slept with him. You said that he acted like he was really into you and that tends to happen often I’ve found. There is a type of man that has a tendency to get over-enthusiastic about a woman they meet and they pursue it until they get it, and once they finally do have the woman, they do not feel the same intense connection with them. He still has a girlfriend for whatever reason, most likely to not feel lonely, but he continues to chase women for the thrill and the catch, but the chase is much more interesting than once after you’ve caught it. Most women, on the other hand, tend to feel even more connected with the man after they sleep together. So even though he may have acted very thrilled or stoked at first, he has gotten off the “high” of chasing you.

I’m not saying that he is not interested in you anymore, but he may be less enthusiastic now. My advice would be that you do not put too much focus on him since he does not want to take your relationship further than the bedroom, and instead focus on finding a man that suits you more. If you are interested in marriage and a kid, then you should search for a man who also has such priorities. Continue having your fun fuck buddy relationship, but do not do it with hopes that he will leave his girlfriend for you. Would you even really want a boyfriend that you acquired by having him cheat on his current girlfriend? But to answer your question, I’m sure he still wants you, just may not think of you the same way you thought he did. And the fact that he was open enough to tell you that he does not have any interest in leaving his girlfriend and that he is only looking at your relationship as a fuck-buddy one, then you should have a pretty clear image of what his intentions are. All the best to you luck on your search for a man suitable for you.


  • Sex Kitten said:

    Robby G,

    Thank you so much for replying to my situation/questions. I REALLY appreciate the advice! I think your website is a really great resource, and I will be subscribing to the RSS feeds!

    I agree with you about attracting the kind of man that wants to get married and have kids. I guess I just feel a bit lost in seeking him out because I’ve never done that before. Any suggestions on how to do that? ๐Ÿ™‚ I can move very quickly physically with guys a lot of the time, so maybe that may partially be my problem? Yeah, it’s true that my boyfriend and I are looking for different things. He’s flat out told me he doesn’t want marriage or kids. Ever. And that’s probably for the best, because I don’t think we are well matched anyway. Kids & him = not good. So, I guess I’ll try my best to put a “marry me” vibe out there, but not in a desperate way.

    As for my fb, you’re right again: I don’t want to have any kind of “real relationship” with him, nor do I expect it, because he seems like an even bigger slut than me ๐Ÿ™‚ I was just disappointed a bit that all he wanted from me was sex, because he’s so cute & really my type. And really pretty awesome in bed. Anyway, he bailed on me for our most recent meeting, saying other stuff came up. I was cool with it, and told him when I’d be free next. He said he’d be out of town until a certain date. I said ok & told him to text me when he got back. That’s good for now right? Should I text him if I don’t hear from him in a reasonable amount of time?

    Thank you again, Robby G! You are a godsend!

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Sex Kitten: First, thanks for the kind words! Secondly, I don’t want to be mean but I’ll be honest and it sounds like your fuck-buddy is blowing you off, so telling him to text you back is the best course of action in that situation. Now, about texting him back if you don’t hear from him wouldn’t be advisable just because the fact is he knows you’re there and if he really wants then he will text you. Why keep pushing at something that you know won’t have a good ending either way since he is married and currently acts like he’s doing it just for the sex AND not even putting any effort into seeing you again. I think it’s best to take your losses this time and just move on.

    Putting yourself out there as a woman that wants something more than just a regular partner, and attract men who are also into marriage and kids would take some effort. I don’t think it really means you have to change the way you dress or necessarily act, but what you say and what you pick up from the men once they start talking to you. A great idea would be to maybe have some of your friends introduce you to men that they know are also interested in something serious. When you get approached, try to suppress any impulses of connecting right away on a physical level, but instead try to take things a little bit slower. A man who is looking for a wife does not want his woman to sleep with him on a first, second, or even third date. This makes him believe that she is a good girl, and most men want a good girl for a wife. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about what they expect from the relationship and say that you wouldn’t mind having kids sometime soon. The real men who want the same thing will stick through while the ones that wanted to just get you in bed may be hesitant and you will sense that they weren’t genuine from the start.

  • Liz said:

    Another great answer! (I’m neurotic too! LOL!)

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Liz: Thanks for you comment. Sometimes what helps is taking a step back and looking at any relationship issue from a third person’s view and then thinking of ways to resolve the issue… or even if there is an issue in the first place. ๐Ÿ™‚

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