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The Talking Cure

23 December 2010 2 Comments

I met a really great guy through an online dating site and we chatted online
EVERY evening; really hit it off. He seemed VERY keen, and pursued me, even
talking about how much he liked me etc. We met up one evening in a club and
spent the whole evening talking and kissing. He was still keen after this
date, saying he loved kissing me etc. I met up with him for a daytime date 2
days later and we had a great time, kissing and getting slightly more
physical, or so I thought. I didn’t hear from him the next day so texted
him and got a very terse reply. He then went quiet on me for 2 days so I
challenged him about it and he said that he now only wanted a casual
relationship with me because he thought I would be too demanding, and that
he probably wouldn’t fall in love with me. I told him I wanted more from
him but accepted that he didn’t, so agreed to become fuck buddies.

He came round that night and I pleasured him but he didn’t give anything
back, so I felt angry and messaged him to tell him to forget it then. He
seemed to be more offended than I was and we didn’t contact each other for a
little while. I eventually messaged him again to say I didn’t really want
to stop seeing him, and eventually we resumed meeting up.

From that point of me saying he could forget our deal, he stopped kissing
me, and we kept it purely physical, although we usually lie together and
chat for a couple of hours afterwards. I pretty much stopped contacting him
and just let him text me to ask if he should come over when HE wanted to,
with me deciding if I want to see him or am free then. We don’t chat
between meetups any more, except VERY rarely. When he does come over, it’s
largely me pleasuring him. We’ve only actually had sex once.

We’ve had this arrangement for 3 months now and physically he is getting
more tactile and ‘giving’ towards me, although he still doesn’t actually
contact me every week. The longest gap has been 3 weeks. He regularly asks
me if I’ve been physical with anyone else (and although I joke about it, the
answer is always no apart from one date with another man I had, after which
I kissed him, which I told FB about). I tease HIM about being a man-slag
and about the other women he gets off with because although I like him and
do want more, I also don’t want to possess him, because that’s not what I’m
like. I enjoy the time we have together, but I don’t do jealousy. Jealousy
is about fear of losing something and since I don’t believe we can own other
people, I also believe we can’t ‘lose’ them.

He contacted me one weekend in a way which felt more unusual; he first
texted me a lot earlier than he usually does to ask if I was going out that
night. Then later in the evening, he actually called me, which he NEVER
does. He left a message and I replied with a text. Then I didn’t hear
anything back till the small hours when I was fast asleep, to which I
reacted very angrily and basically told him to Foxtrot Oscar! He
spontaneously drove to my house and knocked on my door, but I refused to
open it because I was so annoyed at him thinking he could behave like that,
turning up unannounced in the small hours expecting to be serviced. He
tried to see me the next day too, but I was busy so didn’t see him again
till the following weekend.

I started to think I was developing stronger feelings for him after that
last meet-up and strangely neither of us contacted the other for another 3
weeks. Then I spontaneously sent him a dirty text (I never usually initiate
contact because often he just ignores me anyway). But this time he
responded and came over.

This time, for the first time since we agreed to become FBs, he kissed me on
the lips whilst we were being physical. It was only for a short while, but
it was a definite kiss like he gave me the first two times we met up. But
afterwards, whilst we were talking, he told me he’d had sex with someone
else recently. Again, that’s up to him as far as I’m concerned, as long as
he’s not spreading any disease to me! But I’m now wondering why kiss me if
he still just wants to be fuck buddies and sleep with other people? It was
nice and I enjoyed it, but I don’t think I can let him kiss me and still
keep it as FBs as that feels too intimate and emotionally connecting?? I’m
not asking for huge commitment from him at all; I’m separated and have two
young children and having just come out of a long-term relationship myself,
I’m not really ready for another big commitment myself. I’d just like to be
a little bit more than JUST FBs – to contact each other during the week just
to chat, maybe go out on the odd date, see each other a bit more than every
couple of weeks etc. He has no commitments of any kind, and again, that’s
fine with me. But I don’t want to feel like I’m allowing myself to somehow
be ‘sucked into’ an emotional commitment with him sending me more intimate
signals if he doesn’t actually want that. I’m content and accepting of
keeping things as they are for a few more months, but I don’t want my hopes
to be got up of something ‘more’ if it’s not to be. I’m also content to
start off VERY slowly and just see how the land lies, but I’m not prepared
to do that if he’s sleeping or being physical with other women. So now I’m
trying to decide whether to knock it on the head now, in case I get too
‘attached’ to something that really isn’t actually there at all, or allow
there to be the feeling of hope of something more and just let it flow

You may conquer with the sword, but you are conquered by a kiss
Photo by .craig
It’s odd that things were going so well between you the first couple of dates and then he abruptly announced that he did not think he could connect with you enough to ever have anything serious. There must have been some reason for this that he did not reveal to you. You definitely sound like an intelligent woman who isn’t naive so it does not make sense to me why he cannot be frank about his desires, because you are right, if he averted from kissing you to not impose intimacy or emotion, then there is no reason why he would kiss you on your recent FB meetings unless he was interested in unveiling his sincere feelings. The best things for you to decide on in this situation, I believe, is to be honest with yourself and think of what you personally want at this time. If you are okay with sleeping with him without the occasional dates then continue with the path you’re on, but if you want something more on par with being “friends with benefits” then talk to him about it and see if he understands your needs. Explain to him that you are not happy with only meeting him to pleasure him on his own terms because that is clearly asymmetrical and benefits him wholly while leaving you unsatisfied. I always believe that any relationship must make you happier when you are in it rather than you are without it. And if your relationship with him makes you feel less satisfied than if you were not to be with him at all then there’s no need or real logical reason to be with him, unless of course he is supplying you the love that you require, which he obviously isn’t.

So after you decide what it is that you want, then talk to him about it. Also, do not feel like he’s the only option because clearly he’s not. I know it must be difficult to find someone because of having young children but if the man doesn’t show appreciation then it’s not always best to conform just to keep him around. Now, about taking things slowly it is a little bit difficult and it requires to start from the beginning which though many people say they’re okay with, they tend to keep the baggage from the past and not give the necessary no-strings start that some expect. What I mean, is though he may be alright with starting things from the beginning, it may not be as good idea as you hope and it tends to distance people rather than bring them closer. And letting things flow naturally will probably give way to the same treatment as he has been giving you hitherto. I know that simple discussion seems to be difficult at times and they may easily turn into arguments, I still feel like it’s currently the most efficient move on your part. Try and see. Wish you all the best.


  • Jo White said:

    Thanks so much for your advice and I’m so glad that you were as confused as me – he’s so direct normally and good at saying what he wants, that it confused the hell out of me that I seemed to be getting mixed messages. I was somewhat amused that you felt I wasn’t naive though – my ex is the only man I’ve ever had sex with, until this guy came into my life, and prior to him, I’d had very little dating experience. So it was gratifying to read that even without a wealth of practical experience ‘in the field’, I’m still not naive, especially as this guy seems to have a LOT ;o) So all this is very much a steep learning curve for me!

    We seem to have flowed naturally into the FWB category now without my having a talk with him: have been out for a few drinks, a meal, going for walks, which suits me fine. He’s tried calling for a chat a few times, but although I’m more than comfortable getting sexual with him, a phone call is way too ‘intimate’, for now LOL! He’s never kissed me again, since I wrote the first time, which is a HUGE shame as he’s so damn good at it – best kisser I’ve ever had!! But for now, I’m just happy to enjoy his company and his body :oD I’m still processing a LOT of stuff from the breakup of my previous relationship and the LAST thing I need is to get into anything heavy right now. Your reply really helped me clarify that fact, and helped me realise that actually a FWB is perfect for me at this stage in my life.

    Thanks Robby, you are a real star x

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Jo White: Thank you very much for such a positive comment, I’m really glad you enjoyed reading my response and it served to be helpful. If you ever have any more questions or if you want to talk about anything else, I’m all ears. All the best, Robby. 🙂 PS: I’ve been called many things in my life, good and bad, but never a “star”. Really stellar to hear it! (pun intended lol)

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