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The Ultimate Fuck Buddy

29 April 2011 2 Comments

Ok so I´ve had this fbuddy for a while, about 10 months. It started off as
just regular fbuddies and then it started getting a little more intense. We
would hang out in the same crowd.. and no one would no about us (except our
best friends) but we would always go home together. In public we would act
as friends however since I used to date a friend of his who still has
feelings for me and who wants all that drama? If we weren’t out at the same
places he would still come over to my place and we would have sex and he
started sleeping over all the time afterward and we´d cuddle and he´d
suddenly like hug me really tight in the middle of the night and become kind
of affectionate in a sweet way (while sleeping). We have this amazing sexual
connection and whenever we hang out it does end up in sex..it got kind of
addictive. But we also can talk and have fun hanging out.. That being said,
he is quite the player and would only text me on days he or I´d go out,
never on a monday or tuesday.. some of our friends knew about us but most
didn´t. This guy has serious trouble in talking about his feelings etc
which made it all the more difficult to confront him about anything.
Initially, I had told him we should just have fun, but things kind of
evolved and got more frequent and intense. Anyway, when we were out he´d
always be staring and checking up on me and what I was doing, if I flirted
with someone else quite a few times he left and said good luck you looked
like u were having a greaaat time I´m leaving” and comments like that.. I
tried not to act jealous and not be needy but that being said, I also had my
moments. I obviously care and like him. Sometimes I would text him on a
regular day asking what he was doing later and he wouldn´t always answer my
texts and everything seemed to suddenly be on his terms and only when he
wanted.. I´ve always been there for him and I´ve been really sweet and
good to him, always tried to show I care in some way without being clingy.
He knows I´m not seeing anyone else and that I cared about him. One time he
did something stupid and I called him on it and he got all spooked out and
kinda ran saying that we shouldn´t confuse things and then days later he
was apologizing to me and saying he was sorry and didn´t want to end
it..but he only got to doing this when he had had a few drinks cause the guy
can´t seem to express himself sober! (Drunk words are sober thoughts? I
don´t know) He NEVER talks about his feelings, but that´s the kind of
person he is he seems to have a hard time talking and can only say things in
texts. Since he had trouble talking about things I had absolutely no way of
telling how he felt.. I just know that he acted all possessive when he saw me
and that at the end of the day I was the one he always went home with. But
he always seemed to be kind of fighting his feelings, kind of trying to act
as if he didn´t care, I just didn’t know if he genuinely didn´t care or
if he too was getting a bit more involved than he intended, he didn´t
ever talk about other girls in front of me but that could have just been an
act. After all this time I got a bit sick of his attitude and the whole
kind of carelessness about everything, yes we were having a good time but I
wanted to feel cared about too.. So I told him that I was tired of his
attitude and the way he was handling things and that I wasn´t feeling that
great about it, and that I thought it really sucked that I was feeling as if
he didn´t care when he couldn’t even answer a simple text.. and that I
thought that we should just leave it as that cause I didn´t know how to
handle it anymore .. I was honest and I kind of wanted him to realize he was
being an ass and see if he cared. The guy didn´t answer anything and then
texts me a few days later saying I was right and that we should leave things
as they were before anyone got hurt. It´s like he could give a sh!@

So Robby G was this just strictly a fbuddy relationship and is he acting
accordingly and does it mean he just doesn´t care? Or wth? All I can
describe from him are contradictory signs. Not committing and being an ass
sometimes but at the same time the other stuff I mentioned. ugh, I dunno. I
want him to miss me and appreciate what he had cause I know I´m a good
thing and I don´t deserve to be taken for granted. There are a lot of guys
who wanna go out with me but stupidly I only care about this one. How to play
the player or in this matter, the fbuddy? lol. He always seems to have
control, and I know you can´t force someone to care about you.. but I
really Need some wise Robby G words.

I really enjoyed reading this, not because I enjoy your pain, but because you were describing someone who sounds really familiar to me (yes, I’m talking about myself) 🙂 I will say that he handled himself exactly how you two planned. He kept things as the perfect fbuddy. Before I get into it, I have to say that people tend to misunderstand one thing, and that is when a person is drunk, it does not necessarily mean his true thoughts are coming out, it may just mean he is very horny (due to the alcohol) and he can’t find anyone to sleep with so naturally he calls the girl who is a sure-thing. But, of course, this does not mean he does not care about you, it just means that he is also looking out for his own needs or wants. He acts quite gentlemanly around you: he avoids talking about other girls with you so you do not get into useless drama; he reassures you and makes you feel comfortable after you sleep with each other by not running out as soon as the deed is done; and he even gives you the liberty to handle your own business when other guys approach you and you seem to be hitting it off. He is sticking to the fbuddy “rules” (I hate that word) to a T. Also, he does not express too many of his emotions to you strictly because he knows it is a fbuddy relationship and there is no need for those things. You want him to miss you now, and I bet there are times he does miss you a lot, but he has enough control over himself to suppress those feelings and move on with his day. I’m pretty sure he is conscious of everything he does and everything he makes you go through, and he does it not to anger you, but to keep you in check; meaning, he wants to make you remember that this is a fbuddy relationship only. He realizes that you may get mad when he doesn’t answer a text from you, but he does it to get you to think that it’s because YOU are the one who is breaking the “rules”. He also avoids messaging you on weekdays that he knows he will be too busy to meet with you to have sex, which is another sign that he is very comfortable and satisfied with the ways things are going and does not want to take things further.

The problem that many women get into when they associate with men who seem like they cannot open up and express their feelings or emotions is that they confuse their unwillingness to openness with complexity. I honestly believe he is very aware that if he did open up to you, then you may not want him as much as you do. He uses the notion of acting careless to have you think that he is content with the way things are; and if you try to get more involved with tapping into how he truly feels, he will either say “everything is fine” or just shrug it off and smile, wanting to make you think that he has got his own thoughts lurking in his mind which he does not want to reveal to anyone. With this, he gains mystery and makes you believe that he is more complex than he appears on the surface, WHILE allowing you to see that he is a man who does not like to complain about problems. This also allows him to stay in control of the situation. He senses that you are starting to like him more and more, and he replied to you saying “that we should leave things as they were before anyone got hurt” not because he does not care about you, but because in his mind he is being a nice person by not building things up and starting a formal relationship with you that he knows will head for failure. It will fail not because you will be a bad girlfriend, but because he knows himself better than you may think, and either he is not ready for a relationship or is happy with his current freedom. If he did not care about you, he would simply not reply to your text.

I personally do not think that there is much you can do to change his mind about this, and I’m sure that if you wanted to get back to being his fbuddy, he would have to think about it a bit before agreeing to it. And also, the fact that you are stuck on this guy instead of wanting to date the guys who are chasing you is because of the fact that he is not one of those guys chasing you, but instead he is the man who is such a mystery to you. He knows this well and continues to not give you the satisfaction that you seek because if he did all of the things that you mentioned in this post from the beginning of your fbuddy relationship then most likely you would not want him as much as you currently do. He really has to want to be committed himself before he gets involved on a level higher than what you currently share (or at least shared). What you may try is message him and ask him to meet with you, which I am sure he won’t mind, and when you are together, be somewhat distant when talking to him. Do not show that you want him or that you even want to sleep with him, because even touching his hand a certain way will make him realize that you are still very much into him and he can have you whenever he pleases. So the only way to regain control would be to return the mixed signals and make him think that you are only his friend with no sexual drive towards him whatsoever.


  • me said:

    Hi Robby G, thanks for the wise and much needed words. I´ve been checking the page religously hoping you would and hadn´t been able to access my email to see if there was any news. Anyway, since then, after about 3 days he started texting..me again, saying he sent me lots of hugs and kisses (nothing spectacular) and stuff like that, asking me what I´d been up to.. etc.. and we ended up sleeping togther again and kind of getting back into the fbuddy relationship, everything exactly the same except now he always answers my texts..have tried not to send many though and be very casual and let him seek me out. The other day he came over just to sleep and nothing happened we just cuddled. I thought that was weird. Still I think I don´t want to settle for just being the fbuddy and for him being able to sleep with whoever he wants while I really have no interest in doing so.. I think you were spot on with the whole mystery thing, it probably does make him more attractive to me and it´s interesting that you say he really does know that.. So I´m kind of resigned as to what to do cause I dont think there is much i can do.. I guess he´s just not that into me if he doesn´t want anything more out of this, and I think I´ve kind of provided him with the perfect situation and he´s quite comfortable with it. Any chance if he thought there was a risk in losing me he´s buck his ideas up? And from your experience and opinion I´m wondering does any of this mean he has feelings for me but that he can´t be bothered or feel the need to do anything about it or does he really not care? I really appreaciate you taking the time to answer, thankyou so much!

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @me: I wish I could just tell you off the bat if he has feeling for you or not, but I would be guessing, so I won’t do that. But, I will say that there is always a chance that he is warming up to you and over time, if everything will go well and you do not have major arguments, the comfort of being with you and not having to go out and meet other girls will naturally take its course in making him become more exclusive with you. I’m sure he has some feelings and attraction to you, especially that he comes over to cuddle and he continues to call you back even after you two had a small falling out, but it really depends on what type of person he is and if he is interested in something serious right now or if he is simply out for the thrill. That you can probably answer yourself, knowing the kind of guy he is. But I will say, it will probably not work if you try tricking him or pressuring him into becoming your boyfriend. I would say, continue what you’re doing and allow time to unfold the situation and see where you two end up. All the best of luck!

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