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What Does He Want?

24 September 2010 3 Comments

hi Rob,
in a crazy dilemma now. i know this guy for ten years now and we sleep with
each other on and off but we have never dated or went on a date with each
other. The chemistry is madness when we do get together and we confided in
each other about our problems, life etc. Its been ten years, I had feelings
for him and he never told me what he felt except for the one time he said, ”
its interesting this relationship we have” and im like, “huh? what
relationship?” another time he stopped in the middle of sex to whisper “i
miss you” in my ear. he sent me mixed signals. at one period, he will call
me for no reason “just to wish me a happy holiday” he will drop messages
like ” hows your day?” he even talked about 15 years down the road. then
after that, he stopped and it went straight into plain texting me to meet up
for sex.
so, dear ROB, i got tired of this confusion and i decided to leave, for
good. i dropped the bomb on him one night thru text stating that i do not
wish to see him anymore. but I wish him well and everything. to my surprise ,
he stopped me. asked me why and when i said i dunno, he said, “if you dunno
don’t do it” i didnt reply and the very next day, he asked if i met
someone… i said “not at all” then he said “then please just stop saying
such things, just shut up” so when i mentioned that i felt like he was
making use of me, he got upset and said that he never did that and if that’s
how i felt, he will not even lay his hands on me anymore in the future but
that we should keep in touch and be on talking terms.. seriously, im like
“huh???!!!” its just too confusing.
i thought i was just a fuck to him , he sent me mixed signals, but when i
showed him the door, he refused to budge. right now, he is just angry and
upset. what the hell is going on in his head?

Honestly, in my opinion, he was pretty clear about his intentions. Sure, he never straight up told you that you should be an exclusive couple, but does he really need to if he goes on talking about 15 years down the line and whispering things like “I miss you” when you’re sleeping together. He may have not felt 100% confident about what you wanted and may have thought that you were into it only for the sex. There are many variations of things that could have been going on in his mind, but it doesn’t matter what he thought, what’s important is what he currently thinks.

I would suggest that you talk to him in person. He is angry and upset because obviously there was a misunderstanding more than mixed signals, and you should clear that up. Ask him what he wants and if he is hesitant to answer, it is most likely because he doesn’t want to say the wrong word and look foolish, not because he doesn’t want you. If he is hesitant then you should tell him what you think and want. If, however, he says “umm, well I thought it’s clear what I want” and continues that way then he’s in it just for sex and is trying to get you to agree to this “friends with benefits” situation. In fact, he likes you much more than you think. By telling you that he wants to stay in touch and only talk and he is willing to not have a sexual relationship, he is saying that he doesn’t want to lose you. Most times a man will break all contact off as soon as he sees the girl has caught on to him using her for just sex, because they don’t want committment nor simply any extra headaches. He, on the other hand, is telling you clearly that he is willing to commit by saying that if you “feel” that he is using you then he will stop sleeping with you but he doesn’t want to lose contact with you. I think you should maybe reanalyze his previous actions and see whether he really was after the sex or if he wanted more from you, it’s just he didn’t know how to properly communicate it to you. And talk to him about it to see if he really wants something serious with you. Best of luck.


  • jess said:

    hi Rob,

    i must say… i was stunned when i read your reply. i honestly, never thought of it that way at all. it was truly enlightening that i got to see other perspectives, and what he cold be really feeling. i dropped him a text yesterday asking how he has been since that time and he replied with a ‘hey, its good to hear from you.. and said he is ok and stuff. we decided to meet up next week and yes, i will have a GOOD talk with him. wish me luck!!! thanks Rob!!

  • kim said:

    Hay rob this guy I met about seven months a go is confusing me so much we have only slept together about 7or 8 times in this period but I did stop all contact for about a mounth and half cos I’d asked were it was going as I use to go round for tea and that but after sex I felt it was only that and he wonted me to go straight arter or he would, or sumat would come up at work . And his answer was I can’t commit. Well we are in contact again and hAve been for 3 month and we don’t see a lot of each other but text all time and have had sex twice so iv asked him again wether it just sex and he says no just can’t commit so over time iv said do u won’t me to walk away he says no but also says its up to me and what ever I won’t all the time and says ya might meet sum one befor I’m ready, and I did and told him this but couldn’t carry on cos how I feel about him . And now we have agreed not to sleep with any one ells . And the big thing is he only bEen single for 10 month . Is he playing me or is it just simply too soon. help cos I’m scared ill just be hurt in end .

  • kim said:

    Ps allso he says if he could be with me he would just cant commit at mo but then other things iv asked and he’s said its not a no. so y is it he says if I’m out u might meet sum one but then don’t seem bothered when I did or is he just not showing that ? O I’m confuessed ! .

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