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What Is It That She Wants?

12 October 2009 2 Comments

Hi Robby,

I have read some of your advise columns and find them =b very helpful. I
asked several of my guy frineds this question and coming from an outsider
that dosent know me it would be the upmost influential.

I left my fiance over a year plus months ago and the fuckbuddy left his
girlfriend almost the same time. We have been sleeping together for that
year plus and have had a lot of fun as well as I have gotten to know him
better as a person. I love him to death and would do anything for him as he
most likely would for me. Now its getting to the point that I am moving on
and above the fuckbuddy situation and want more from him. We don’t need a
label or use of the word “gf” or “bf” but I almost feel that my dignity and
respect has gone out the window. Now i don’t ask about his ex and their post
relationship though she still has things of hers at his house. But recently
I have been more emotionally attached and am just over it. He still doesn’t
want to date anyone but I almost feel you can’t have your cake and eat it
too. Does he go out with other women? I have no idea. I don’t ask. But Its
time to figure out if there is any future at all…i asked if he was
sleeping with anyone else and his response was “i’m too lazy.” Nice. He is
obviously not ready for any commitment nor do I demand it, just a little
respect for my feelings.

Help!

To answer if there’s a future, well there’s almost always a future, and this is no exception. I love his answer that he’s too lazy to sleep with other women, because it actually sounds very sincere. It seems that you may not know it but you’ve actually grown on him and though specifically you don’t need to use labels like “gf/bf” here, it seems like you two are somewhat like a couple. I personally am very reluctant to use labels myself, because sometimes words aren’t the best things for relationships and they sometimes actually make things a lot worse and a lot more complicated. I’ve had relationships which start off as “friends” then move on to being “fuck buddies” then into “dates” and finally “relationships”, but throughout each stage me and my “female friend” or “fuck friend” or “date” or “girlfriend” never discussed what we were to each other and how we should view each other differently now that we know what our relationship-status was. I notice that people just want to feel more secure and there’s an element of trust embedded in having a certain form of relationship. Since it doesn’t seem to matter to you that when he introduces you to someone whether he says “Meet my girlfriend” or “Meet my friend” then this entire issue shouldn’t bother you. People have a tendency to fuck up things that are going well, but I say if it’s not broken then don’t fix it. In my opinion, you shouldn’t really care too much about whether he’s sleeping with other women or not at this point. Since, however, you mentioned that you’re getting to be more emotionally attached to him, questions about his love-life that may not be related to you may intrigue you and you may want to know more about it just to know if you should take that step and put time and effort into this “relationship” or you should just walk away.

I advice that you figure out certain things for yourself first. What exactly do you want? Do you want him to not see other people or to not sleep with other women? Or do you just want to be able to go on dates with him and do more than just sleep with him? Once you’ve figured out those things then it will be time to see if he’s into it too. But don’t just simply come out and ask him. Be more tactical. Remember, (and I put emphasis on this) this is all a game, and you have to play it the best way possible to win and get what you want and deserve. I think that even when someone is married, the game isn’t even over. And for those who think once they’re locked into a relationship that they don’t need to play anymore and can lay all their cards out on the table, that’s when it gets boring and you get your partner walking out and cheating on you. It may sound somewhat confusing, but what I’m trying to get at is that you should know what you want and play the game in the way that will lead to you getting that thing you want, whether it’s just sex, something a little more than sex, or a full blown relationship. And if you’re good at the game then you’ll even be able to (I don’t want to say ‘manipulate’ but it seems right) manipulate the way your partner feels towards you emotionally. And if you want more respect then just do things that you think will gain you respect. I’m not saying to start arguments with him, because that will just create resentment, but act a little bit more aloof to his needs and wants.

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