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What Would You Want to Change About Her?

10 April 2011 No Comment

I’ve been seeing a girl in my program and we are intimate, she wanted to
wait to have sex and that was a first for me. What it did was allow me to
see my insecurities I have with women, their flirting, not getting the same
levels of PDA shown to her guy friends. It allowed me to see i had sex with
girls in order to not deal with my problems as a man. I tend to approach
things by discussing them but there’s usually a heavy weight attached to it,
killing the fun and ruining the mood. We have great moments, passionate fun
and all the good stuff and now I seem to be stuck in a pattern of blowing up
the good times with some heavy talking till 2am, every other night. Which
isn’t fair to her or me. I see the road I have to take now, and am aware of
my insecurities. I wonder how I can be confident enough to trust, in her and
also in myself that i can just shrug things of like most other guys and not
worry so much and just have fun in the moment. “Let go” essentially of the
unimportant stuff. Pick my battle’s wisely and not make issues out of none
issues. I see what I have to do and where I should go as a man, but find
that I’m classically conditioned into this relationship pattern I have set
from the start of serious talk every couple days. I’m running out of sorry’s
and I want to change and stand by her and be supportive. Even when I don’t
get what I want all the time. I feel the need for her to reassure me that
yes she flirts with others but goes home with me…is that all the security
I need? A rub on the back or kiss would do all that in a second, but i don’t
get that in public cause she’s shy and in fact her guy friends get more
attention than me. She too has told me some of her insecurities, she’s not
sure why she can’t show me the same levels of attention in public setting,
and said she’s gonna work on it. Also that she doesn’t want anyone else but
me and wonders why I can’t see that.
I feel like I just need to chill, be more Sympathetic, embrace her good
traits and not so good ones and accept her for who she is, fully. Share more
of my good side instead of letting my internal judges rule the situation, or
my emotions. For example: she blew a kiss to a guy at a show we were at some
one she knows I have insecurity’s about. She blew the kiss right beside me,
not thinking it was anything, she saw the look on my face and got upset with
me. I don’t get them, but i do get all the stuff other guys don’t from her,
including her heart. Maybe I just need to relax and be confident and take
security in that…? That’s what all my friends are telling me, is this
true?


You Set Me on Fire
Photo by mr • p
I can see that you care deeply about her, and the fact that you are able to even fathom the notion that it may be your insecurities that are the cause of issue says a lot, because many men have a problem with being as self-critical as you are. What I believe would work best in this situation is a couple of things. First and foremost, I think communication is key. If you feel something she does, like blow kisses to a guy while she’s next to you, isn’t right, because honestly I personally would take that as slightly disrespectful as well, then you must point it out. Of course we have all grown up differently and have different beliefs of what is appropriate and what isn’t but if you feel something she does is out of limits then be open about it. I will say though, something I learned a long time ago is if you are expecting to change the way a woman acts and their thoughts on what is right/wrong then it’s best to walk away than to go through trying to change her. It will never end good, because if you want a healthy relationship, you usually have to accept her completely or not at all. Sure there may be somethings you don’t like, but you shouldn’t try to change that about her, you can notify her and see if she is willing to change herself rather than you constantly explaining to her why it offends you. So I advise that you bring it up and explain why you feel it’s not right when she acts so flirtatiously with other guys when she is dating you, but do not try to force it onto her to change, because if she herself doesn’t want to change then it will only retract her from you. Also, telling her too many of your problems or things you don’t like about her actions may not be a good idea. You should feel when it’s a right time to tell her your mind and when you should just ignore it and keep it to yourself.

Your friends are right in the sense that you should be more confident, because until she actually slips up and does something with another man then you have nothing to worry about. Sure, she might be a little open about how she acts, but that doesn’t mean anything. And if you keep worrying about it and hassling her then that itself will drive her away. In fact, do not fear being as open as her with other girls, because it’s only flirting, there is no real harm done. Most importantly is to not work yourself up about it too much and just take things easier. And if you act more carefree, that would actually express to her that you are not on her case and thinking about her and feeling jealous, and that will make her want to keep re-igniting the relationship because she herself will feel slightly insecure about if you care about her or not. So make sure to communicate your thoughts once in a while in private, but do not over-do it, and at other times act more aloof and you will notice that she will focus more on you and not others. So though you said you feel you should be more sympathetic, I think you’re sympathetic enough, because if you act to sympathetic and understanding then it will give her the feeling that she can do anything and get away with it, but if you quietly turn away neutrally and nonchalantly from the things that are in our distaste then it may work better for you. Try to be slightly less sensitive and do not forget that relationships are meant to be fun and not seem like a lot of work.


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