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What’s On His Mind?

28 October 2009 6 Comments

Hey Robby,
This is a long one … ha ha. Well Im currently in a relationship with this
guy for about 3 years and during these years we have our ups and downs. Now
it’s gotten to a point that I feel numb towards us and him …
About seven months ago I have started a relationship with an old friend
that showed sexual interest towards me. It all started with flirting then
leading into something more … I have been honest with my current boyfriend
of my feelings and is aware of the other individual.
My concern is this… even on a break from the bf, i feel that I have
develop some feelings for the other individual…and I also expressed my
concerns to him about me getting attached and surprising so he seem like he
didn’t mind. In fact was like you might not be the only one…lol
I feel that mix signals are being sent…ex: Asking questions if I would
date him or if I like him … I make the conscious effort of not contacting
him I find that this confusion is eating me up inside. In a perfect world I
wish he would tell me he wants something more. He just got out of a
relationship and said that he doesnt want to get into another one …
according to him this is what he told another girl that was interested in
him … so why the questions???
What’s your take on this matter?

It seems that he’s a little bewildered about his own emotions on this, because it is always difficult to get re-attached once coming out of a long term relationship. He may think he needs time to flirt and fuck around a bit before settling down again, but he always wants to keep his options open. That’s why I think he may be sending mixed feelings, because he’s not certain about the whole thing himself. He may also want to feel you out a little bit more before settling down and that’s why he’s asking specifically if you would be interested in dating him if he ever proposed the idea.

Flipping the Roles

You say that “In a perfect world wish he would tell me he wants something more,” well why don’t you try to bring it up in conversation. Don’t be too direct because it may scare him off, but try to mention it when you’re discussing things of that sort. It’s better to know exactly what he wants rather than just keep guessing and have it eat you up inside. It seems like a very fragile topic though and I think you should approach it with some caution if you know what I mean. Guys sometimes like when the girl takes initiative to discuss what is exactly going on in their “relationship” and what each of you want out of it. However, what guys don’t like is when the woman pressures him to give her a direct answer. If you just bring it up and if he doesn’t seem to want to discuss it then just drop it and say “I understand”, but there’s a big chance that he will talk about it. And when you’re talking he will feel the urge to be honest with you because you’re talking in person about it. Just make sure not to push him too much on the subject, and just be cool about it.

That’s my take on the matter and one more suggestion you may try out is actually go ahead and ask him out to dinner and basically make it a date in all aspects but just without fully saying, “Hey, will you go out with me on a date?” Just ask if he’s busy to come out on Saturday or whatever and just take it from there. Then try to assess his intentions on that date.

6 Comments »

  • Walter said:

    Open communication has been the lack of many otherwise perfect relationships. It is only then that each realize it when the have separated and misses each other. Having relationship with someone requires the risk of vulnerability and openness, which most are afraid of. 🙂

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Walter: Exactly right, having open communication seems so mundane yet many couples lack it and due to their fear of “talking about it” they end up being a position where it eats them up inside. I’ve noticed that most outgoing people who ARE able to say what’s on their mind are able to hold better relationships.

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  • Liz said:

    Hey Rob…
    Thanks for the advice…I totally see what your talking about. I did express my feelings and concerns and to my great surprise he express that he wouldn’t mind going the next step but just has concerns of his own (which is fair and understandable).
    I did follow with the date suggestion in fact he called it a date…I simply made it just a casual think. It went well n he seemed to enjoyed himself n actually said it himself. I still get mixed signals and I feel like the special girl … I feel he wants to see how it goes without ne lables…

    He wants me to meet and hang with his friends??? Is that a good sign … In fact i have been topic of discussion among him n his friends…should I just give it time…

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Liz: It’s definitely a good sign that he is showing more interest and wants you to meet and hang with his friends. Usually when a guy does that, it means that the girl is actually special enough for him to want to show off to his mates. And since he speaks of you to his friends it means that he cares enough about you to want to always bring you up to them. If he wouldn’t have cared too much about you and you were just another random girl then he’d most likely not even discuss you with anyone. So you really left a good impression and I’m really glad my advice helped you out. Keep me filled in on how things go, I’m really interested. Cheers! 😉

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  • Liz said:

    Hey Rob

    Update…I had an discussion and it all lead to how I feel for him n there were feelings…which he agree with me and and that he felt the same about me… But he’s the thing…he could easily see himself fall for me but want to be single for awhile…what does that mean from a guys view? Also, should I step back or stay a wait a while?

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Liz: I think the best thing here would be for you to act understanding, but at the same time tell him if he doesn’t want anything serious then it wouldn’t make sense for you two to have any sex together either. Act only as a friend and show a little less interest in him while feeling free to discuss other guys with him. Try to make him see how it would feel if you weren’t into him anymore and once he feels the hurt, ideally he should see the advantages of being with you and will have another discussion with you on the subject sometime in the future.

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