What’s with the Change?
Dear Robby G,
I have a really complicated situation that I hope you can help me shed some
light on. So I met this guy at a bar and we really hit it off and I know it
sounds dumb but I lost my virginity to him after a couple of dates.
Afterwards he was treating me like his girlfriend (introducing me to all his
friends, telling his parents about me, making me dinner, breakfast, taking
me to hockey games, ect.) He was super nice to me and we had so much fun
together, we really connected. But one day he got really drunk and ask me to
be his girlfriend and told me he really likes me. I told him I like him too
but really want him to ask me in person sober. So the next day he didn’t
bring it up so I asked him what it was all about and he replied with “oh i
just talk shit when I’m drunk, not looking for a relationship right now”
ever since then he has been acting really weird towards me (awkward, quite,
uninterested in our conversations, uninterested in having sex, really just
emotionless and rude sometimes. He also used to be very persistent in me
meeting his parents before and hasn’t asked lately) He still invites me over
all the time to his apartment and wants to chill and have me sleep over and
he makes me dinner and we watch movies but he is still awkward to talk too
and he won’t have sex with me because he is ‘tired’.. he wont laugh at my
jokes anymore either. I’ve tired to talk to him about how he is acting and
he denied it and said he hasn’t changed and i should stop worrying. I also
feel talking to him about the way he is acting has made things worse. This
has been going on for a while now.
It’s weird because i don’t understand what he wants.. he doesn’t want a
relationship, and doesn’t want sex, but still wants to act like we are
I am interested in having a relationship with him but I’m not trying to push
things either cause I don’t have a problem with what we used to have.. I’m
willing to go with the flow right now as long as he can go back to acting
like he used to. What can you make of this situation? Why is he acting this
way? Anything I can do to resolve it?
That day when he was drunk and asked you if you would be his girlfriend, your reply definitely made a strong impact on the flow of your relationship. It might have caused one of two things. When you told him that you liked him as well when he asked you to become his official girlfriend, he may have finally become fully sure of that fact and his interest might have subsided. Though that is possible, I think it wasn’t really that which made him change in the way he acts around you. I believe that the day after he called you and confessed that he really likes you and wants to be your boyfriend, he realized that he was being too open and expressive with his emotions and that he was off his game. So, I assume that now it’s as if he is trying to act “cool” because he thinks you have the upper hand since you know exactly what he wants and how he feels. And since you didn’t answer him positively enough on that day he was drunk, he is probably feeling embarrassed that he is emotionally vulnerable when it comes to you. When you confronted him about why he has been acting weird around you, he obviously brushes the subject off trying to sound like there’s nothing wrong while continuing to send signals that say the opposite. I think he is feeling rather insecure now and it is up to you to make him feel comfortable around you again. In your position, it is important to not rush anything or push him to bring the subject of formal relationships up again for a while and let him come to it himself. Nevertheless, that does not mean you shouldn’t continue to give him the satisfaction of feeling like that is the way your relations are headed. Also, this does not mean that you have to constantly take his rudeness without expressing your concern for it. I know he started off by not laughing at some of your jokes or whatnot, but if could easily become something more serious where he may begin to get obnoxious at times and act openly rude, which you shouldn’t take lightly. If he begins to act this way, you have to show that you do not appreciate such treatment and you won’t stand for it. It is with his reaction to you voicing your opinion that you will be able to tell if he is serious about your relationship or if he is just fed up with it and is expressing his distaste through his rudeness.
Essentially, you should try and get him to feel comfortable and more secure, because currently you do in fact have him feeling slightly vulnerable, which is why he might be acting rude. The rudeness comes out as a reflex to cover up his insecurities, so if you show him affection I think he should come through again and act the way he used to before that one drunk night filled with confessions.