Why Do Men Lead Women On?
Today’s answer will be directed for the females since it’s a question by a female, but that doesn’t mean that men can’t learn a thing or two either by discovering a few things women wonder about men.
I enjoy coming to your site. I especially enjoy reading your posts regarding relationships. A future post suggestion I have is something along the lines of “men leading women on..” I am curious as to see your take on the situation.
-Rachelle
A man could be leading a woman on either intentionally or unintentionally.
Intentional or Unintentional?
Now I first wanted to talk about guys that lead women on intentionally by flirting, giving hints like they want to take things to the next level, and try hard to show they are interested in the woman, but the only problem they have is to move in for the kill because of their fear of rejection. Some guys are great companions for women, they can be their best friend and they sometimes become just that, but usually that’s not what they intend to be with the woman. It’s not their fault that they lead the woman on, because in fact they want to do just that, it is just they are uncertain of themselves that if they attempt to go in for the kiss that the woman will react the way he imagines.
Then there are the men that unintentionally lead women on. These guys are just extremely friendly with everyone and their friendliness may sometimes be read incorrectly. It really depends on the man’s mood most of the time, and if he’s being friendly, he may be misunderstood to be acting flirtatious and may look like he’s leading the woman on when in reality he’s just happy about something completely unrelated to the women he leads on.
Decoding the Lead
I’ve developed three ways that women could solve their frustrations of having men lead women on.
1. If you’ve just noticed that the man has began to lead you on, it may be smart of you to flirt back and in fact show your interest by flipping the onus. Now this should only be done if you’re in fact interested in the man who is leading you on. Now that you know he’s leading you on, the ball is in your court, so go ahead and have some fun with it. Smile, flirt, joke around, make him feel important and make him feel comfortable enough to make the move. If he’s the shy type and you can tell this by the way he acts around you, you may even want to be the first to move in and give him a sensuous kiss on the cheek or the lips and make him know that you’re attracted to him and there’s nothing for him to be worried about.
2. If the guy is trying to lead you on and you really don’t feel comfortable with it maybe either because he’s doing it in a completely creepy way or you just don’t want to ruin your current relationship, you may want to give him the idea that you’re not interested… but in a nice way. And the best way to give a man the idea that you’re not interested is of course by telling him so. Just make sure to do it diplomatically, and by that I of course mean, professionally and unproblematically. When you notice that he’s leading you on, in a nice and jokingly way just say something like: “I love you and all, but just as friends.” Smile and make sure to read his reaction. If his smile fades and he tries to blow the conversation off, he was into you. But if he’s genuinely surprised and his smile grows then he never actually thought about you as more than friends. And if he does act surprised, you can always laugh it off by making your comment seem sarcastic and you won’t feel embarrassed that you truly believed that he was leading you on intentionally when he was doing it unintentionally.
3. Confronting him about it could work too, but that’s only if he looks like he can handle it. If he’s not really the manly type then he might get scared off. Be weary though, if you think the guy is man enough to take the confrontation then he’s probably man enough to not just lead you on but act on his feelings as well. So make sure you figure out if the man was either leading you on intentionally or unintentionally before you go ahead and confront him on it. There are always the type of guys that are just waiting for a girl to tell him directly what she wants from him without having to go through the whole process of the game.
I hope that answered Rachelle’s question, and if you have any dating question you’d like to ask me, feel free to contact me.
I’d love to hear your comments on this topic. Thanks everyone.
Thanks for answering the question!!
Before I get attacked, this question works both ways. Women also lead men on. It’s just that I’m a woman and I’m looking at this from my perspective and experiences with men.
How come men act like they like you (talking on the phone for hours, making plans to hang out etc…) then all of a sudden they go cold on you? I just think that if you’re not interested in a person…just say so! Don’t string them along. And if you are not sure if you actually want to have a relationship with a person, don’t act like you do. There are ways of “testing the water” without leading someone on.
To add to your reasons Robby, I also think it’s an “ego boost” for guys when they know a girl is interested in them.
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@Rachelle: I agree with you completely that there are ways men (as well as women for that part) can “test the waters” without leading people on, and I encourage that, but more than anything I think it’s just the idea that you “can” and “able” to do it rather than you “need” to do it that plays its role here.
As for men who do it for the “ege boost”, this is only done by unprofessionals, in my opinion. It is not only unpractical but it puts a dent in your reputation.
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Men and Women equally lead each other on. And, they both use lies to do it. Why? Self gratification.
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Interesting subject. I am a 45 year old guy. Divorced. I like to mess around with women. I joke around and throw around comments.
I told a girl I like her heart shaped ear-rings. She told me its a worthless cheap product. I told her, no what made them attractive was the message they sent. Anyway she said she had more and wear different kinds at different days of the week. I told her I will swing by when its time for the heart shaped ones. I was at the book store she worked the following days, we chatted. A week later, I noticed her attitude changed, she was a lot more in-front of where I sat, moving things, walking by, talking louder with her friends, tossing her hair, putting lipstick in my view, laughing etc… Aha, I misled her I thought, not good. How can I make it clear, I could lie and tell her I have a fiance or a long time girlfriend, but did not want to lie. So I kept my distance instead. After a while when she saw me, she acted as though she was very mad, her smile towards me was gone and stopped talking to me. Well, I thought so be it but lessons learned. Men do actually reject women unknowingly and most women don’t know how to take a perceived rejection gracefully. They get very angry.
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additionally, men are in a training mode. They test the waters for reaction. From men’s perspective talking to women and make a connection to get laid is a delicate skill. The clear water is very shallow and has piled up mud underneath. Stir too hard you raise the mud. So we train, take it one step at a time. Make a move and wait for a reaction. Positive feedback, aha, try it with a different one. No so good feed back, go back to the drawing board and find out what went wrong. Women don’t know it but they are being used as targets of a training session.
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Robby G Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 1:10 am
@Des: I like the way you put it that women don’t know that they’re being used as target practice. It’s true in fact, many men don’t really know exactly what messages they’re sending and sometimes make mistakes. But I find that though women do more times than men, men sometimes have this arrogance about them that make them think that the slightest flirtation from a woman means that they’re interested.
Your situation made me laugh because I’ve been in a situation where a girl liked me and thought I was interested just because I took an extra step in making her feel comfortable around me and she thought that lead her onto thinking there may be something between us. I actually did it purposely just for shits and giggles, but she really ended up hating me. This was a long time ago and I realized it’s sometimes (not always) better to look like an uninterested prick from the start than leading them on for laughs and making her mad at you. I personally have enough people mad at me so another one to the list isn’t one of my priorities right about now. Cheers.
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I learned a lesson. There is a lady I am leading on, I could stop. But I am chatty with women, why should I change my character? They seem to like me.
Here is a secret for you though, don’t tell anyone, something they don’t know. I am scared to make the bold move. Yes I am. I don’t like the rejection. Besides I take it as a hassle, dating etc… I was burned before in the marriage thing.
Also, my biggest problem that compounds the issue is that I masturbate a lot to internet lesbian porn. e.g Yesterday I did it 7 times in a stretch of about the same time. Today, twice. So when I am with women, I am like depleted and don’t see the reason to hassle to get a real woman. I tried to quit but didn’t last more than 4 days, I had to make a call to a regular call girl to stop me wailing like a goat at night.
Oh by the way if I need a real woman, I make a call and viola, she is there, a trophy like female with pretty feet and pretty good attitude.
Could this be offensive, or ridiculous to some of you, maybe, but take it or leave it, this is the truth.
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But I like women. Want them around my life although there aren’t that many these days. What is left is the casual, sometimes funny conversations I have with stranger women. You take that away from I will be depressed. Until I solve my masturbation problem, women hang on for a little while. There won’t be any misleading then. The big engine will be ready.
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I HATE MEN WHO LEAD ON WOMEN AND USE THEM AS TARGET PRACTICES TO SCORE WITH A HIGHER STATUS PIECE OF MEAT LATER . I HAPPEN TO HAVE A AN OUTER DISABILITY AND ITS SO PAINFUL TO WATCH HOW THAT @SSHOLE LEAD ME ON BY PRETENDING THAT HE ACCEPTED ME JUST AS I WAS WAS , FLIRTED WITH ME , GAVE ME HOPE THAT HE WAS COMING TO VISIT ME AND THEN OOOPPS : IM SORRY I AM IN LOVE WITH A ***** WHO HAS had more MEN THAN DAYS ON EARTH AND I WILL BE SEEING HER INSTEAD OF YOU BUT THANK YOU ANYWAYS YOU GAVE ME A LOT OF CONFIDENCE TO GO AHEAD AND **** HER TONIGHT . SCREW YOU , SCREW YOU ALL MEN WHO DO THIS CRAP!
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Yat G Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
You know, I really feel what you’re saying. I recently dumped a jerk who I felt was on his way to doing the same thing to me. He always let me know that he liked smaller women,but he was still attracted to me and loved me. He pretended to love me and be in a relationship with me, when he was really waiting for someone else he really liked to take him and kick me to the curb. But its okay for us None, we’re better off without them, and there is somebody out there for each of us.
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