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Winning Back a FB

15 November 2010 3 Comments

Hey,your blog and advice is great so I thought I would your insight into my
situation.

I need your advice on how to win a FB back. Background:

He is married but that works well for me because it means that we can really
only be FBs. He’s a proper player because they have been together for 13
years but he has been unfaithful throughout. He claims he needs the
variation but there is also an obvious need for him to have his ego massaged
too. He loves attention and loves feeling wanted by women.

I met him a year ago and from what I understand he has several (I don’t
know how many) girls he sees regularly and then the one-night stands. I
suspect one or two of the regulars are girls the wife knows and many exes
are also known to her because they run in the same social scene. I also
suspect that some of the ‘regular’ girls are told they are the only
‘other’ apart from the wife so that they don’t expose him and become
jealous. He knows he does not have to worry about that with me as I have
never placed any commitment demands on him.

On the whole we see each other once every 6-8 weeks so it’s not that
frequent. In between there is flirting and attempts to see each other more
but it never works out because we both have busy schedules. He chased me for
a good month before we got together and he openly admitted that he came
after me because I have not commanded any commitment from me, I am
‘different’ to the other girls he knows (and I know that to be true –
all the others are in the same ‘scene’ as him – I am not at all) and
he can openly see other girls too.

Truth is we have good sex and connect well physically. He likes my sense of
adventure and I like that he is keen to please. I am dirty in our text
exchanges which he enjoys and naughty when it comes to suggestions for our
bedroom antics. He likes being able to call me spontaneously too if he wants
to come over. He is always complimenting me in bed and our FB sessions work
well because despite the lack of commitment, it is quite intimate. He also
understands it will be over when I meet someone I want to enter a proper
relationship with. He will occasionally ask if I would still sleep with him
once I am married and I tell him he will be well out of the picture by that
point.

He has ‘ended’ it twice but because he claimed his wife found an email
from me and because someone alerted his wife about an infidelity so he had
to cut it off with everyone. On both occasions, he came back. In the time I
have known him we have had a few minor ‘moments’. One of us has upset
the other but nothing serious. Most recently a text conversation took place
which ended badly. He told me to delete his number, not to contact him again
and had a rant in the process. This was the first time he had been angry and
I know its because I had hit a nerve. Also, although we are not Facebook
friends, he blocked me. I suspect this was due to his anger but also because
he was securing all avenues of being exposed to his wife. Girls have tried
to do that to him in the past when he has upset them. I think he was
expecting me to retaliate further (to his text) but I did not. I replied
immediately to his angry text telling him I was sorry. I sent another at the
end of the day saying sorry again. And then a last one explaining why I said
what I said two days later. In all honesty, I wasn’t expecting a reply to
any of the messages but I wanted to diffuse his anger immediately. He
doesn’t hold grudges and is very easy going so I knew I needed to
apologise to get him back ‘on side’.

I am writing to you because I don’t know how to long to wait before I can
determine if he really meant what he said or if there might still be a
possibility that we can continue where we left off. In the past there have
been periods of 4 weeks with no contact. He is young in the head so please
don’t assume I have not had to deal with my fair share of childish
behaviour from him and ego crap. He tends to chase me and want me more when
he thinks I am dating someone – typical male ego.

The sex is good and set up convenient and I don’t want it to end. Our
sexual relationship means I can enjoy good sex whilst exploring proper
relationships with other guys and not give in to celibacy. What can I do to
win him back? I am hoping you will say sit still and he’ll come back. I am
worried that I hit a nerve too hard and he will not contact me again. Any
advice you can give would be appreciated.

Black and white
Photo by naeros
I am not here to give any moral advice and I personally get criticized for it by my readers, but I’m here to give the best advice to the situation you’re facing. And I have to say that I can totally understand where you’re coming from. I believe that having a fuck buddy while searching for a suitable partner is a great way to pass the time, and it is really up to the individual to find the type of FB they want for that ‘meanwhile.’ Now, to be more direct, I am not here to change your mind, but don’t you think it is possibly an opportunity right now for you to get out of this FB relationship scot-free? Sure, he may be mad, but now you can focus more on getting your personal life in order with other men that you can start a serious relationship with, if you want that of course. But if you want to continue going with this man as a side-friend then you can do so by playing the games you know well. He likes the chase, I presume, and he needs that constant reassurance that he can get what he wants when he wants while keeping things adventurous. I think it was somewhat of a mistake to apologize again a second time, because that way you are somewhat showing weakness. I believe it is best to sit still for a little while and not try to contact him for a while. And if he doesn’t return then call him a few weeks down the road and act like nothing ever went awry between you two. Do not tell him you miss him or that you are even interested in much more than a mere friendship. Saying that you were busy with various things in life is probably the best way to get him to get back in wanting to sleep with you on occasion. Talking about other men may not be a good idea, nor bringing up his wife or other women.

Another thing I suggest is to not be too judgmental of the guy when you’re together or just talking. Trust me, he knows what he’s doing is looked down upon and the reason he is with other women is to not hear complaints or arguments or judgments. If you’re just friends with benefits, then try your best to cut everything else out of it. Also, I know that you said you are with him while you’re trying to find another relationship that may be on a more serious note, I think you should put slightly more effort in finding that new man rather than trying to get this one back. I’m writing this because it is with these sort of games where there are arguments then make-ups that usually stir up emotional attachment and those are very difficult to get rid of, especially when the man is unavailable, because that tends to bring more of a desire to win him over. Now, about worrying that you may have hit a nerve too hard, I believe with time it will be forgotten and he’ll return to you, that all depends on how hard you hit his nerve and how long it will take for him to brush it off. Don’t try to be too forward with him and create a slight wall between you two that will make him want to break through once again and “conquer” you. Just make sure to continue living the life you want while going through this waiting period.

3 Comments »

  • Tehra said:

    Hey Rob, thanks for your advice. I could not agree more with what you have suggested and have been doing exactly that – focussing on dating.

    I did find another FB through dating but I had to bring it to an end when he wanted more commitment and realised that he was unhappy with me dating other guys.

    I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR about staying away from this guy but my last FB only confirmed that its also not easy for girls to maintain FBs without the guy’s feelings getting hurt. I know I will never have to deal with commitment issues from this guy and because I have hit a ‘dry patch’, my question to you is how can I contact this guy without:

    – compromising my pride
    – coming across as having missed him and looking desperate
    – and most importantly, giving him a challenge

    I know my silence so far indicates I am busy and you are right that I do not need to mention anything about other guys BUT by contacting him, I feel I am giving him nothing to chase, further demonstrate a weakness and indicate my life has come to a standstill (when in fact, it has been continuing as normal).

    I agree that I might need to be the one to re-open the gates for communication but what can I say in my text that makes it apparent I am game for another FB session (and that is all) but that he still has to ‘conquer and chase’ me to get his fun?

    We are not friends as such because our lives have no overlap. We only contact each other for sex so small talk is not an option and something I would not do anyway with him.

    You are experienced in this area so, from a male perspective, can you think of a message that combines “the still interested but only in sex without all of the aforementioned concerns coming across” and “you still need to conquer me to get what you want”.

    Reply to Comment

    Robby G Reply:

    @Tehra: This, unfortunately, is one of the most difficult things to accomplish. I think the best way to reassert yourself and show him that you only want him as a FB and have been busy with your own life, is by sending him a message after not being in contact with him for sometime, asking “What, you completely forgot about me? ;)” Something in that context, showing him that its sort of his fault that you two haven’t hooked up, but again you were too busy yourself to contact him. It’s just something playful that gives him an idea that you’re still down for a session and you’re not bringing up anything else besides that one little fact. Keep it as simple and flirty as possible so he gets back into the old rhythm of how things were. Then just wait until he messages you back and do not message him again if he doesn’t reply that same day. If he doesn’t, call him the next day and see what’s going on. Take it from there and see how things go.

    Reply to Comment

  • Tehra said:

    Thank you! I am always playful with him so your advice is PERFECT!

    Would it be too much to send a naughty photo attached to that message? We have sent each other photos in the past and he L-O-V-E-S it (its like throwing bait to an overexcited teenage boy) but this would something more subtle. Nothing too explicit, just a little tease to wet his tastebuds, make him horny and curious about the rest of the photo, and remind him what he’s been missing. But is that too forward from a male perspective given the lack of contact? I want to play this carefully so that he knows the FB sessions are back on but don’t want to be too forward and kill the concept of challenge for him in the process.

    Reply to Comment


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