Home » Friends with Benefits

Yes We’re Fuck Buddies, But Show a Little Respect

9 February 2011 3 Comments

Please! Hey Robby G. So I´ve had this fuck buddy for about 8 months. He
sleeps over a couple of times a week, we have amazing sex and we have a lot
of fun together. Problem is he´s best friends with my ex, who actually
cheated on me and ended getting together with that girl. They are still
together and have been for a couple of years now! But my ex called me and
begged for my forgiveness all of last year. I never told fuck buddy about
this, but I guess my ex, being friends with him and all might of. Anyway,
for some reason f buddy seems to think my ex would really care. I actually
thought this was an excuse, but his best friend told my best friend the
other day, that the only reason f buddy doesn´t date me is because of my
ex. Anyway, F buddy and I were having fun and no strings attached, he´s
obviously a bit of a commitment phobe but I was just looking to have fun
also, I never thought it would evolve into something for so long.. everything
was obviously very secretive because of my ex (one of his best friends). I
started realizing though that as I, he had told some of his close friends
about it and everyone was kind of loving the idea. He would always sleep
over and lately was even inviting me to hang out (out of the bedroom) with a
different crowd of friends he has. We basically go out in the same crowd and
even though we act as normal “friends” and are indifferent to each other
most of the time in public, we always go home together and he always sleeps
over and cuddles. The other day though, after the last week we had had a
great time actually hanging out and we were kind of getting closer, he goes
and kisses a girl in front of me at a party. He was completely wasted, and
my ex was actually there, no excuse though. He´d never ever done anything
like that before. I thought this was pretty much, and I obviously like the
guy so I was hurt. After this much time I think it´s impossible not to care
a LITTLE. So anyway I called him on it, cause come on he´s free to do what
he wants but no need to do it in my FACE.. especially when we had been kind
of growing closer lately.. anyway comments of his friends seem to indicate
that he does care about me but that he´s scared of what his best friend
would say. After I called him on it and told him that I thought it was a
little too much for him to do, and that we were having fun and I was fine
with the no strings thing but that there were certain limits and that I
didn´t found that disrespectful, (I kind of wanted to lay my ground, I´m
not the kind of girl who takes all kind of shit and I haven´t been seeing
anyone else so I was honest and put my foot down at this) he turned things
around and said he´s sorry he made me feel that way and that we better
leave things as they are so we would avoid confusions in the future. Acting
as if he doesn´t care. Does this really mean he doesn´t give a shit? What
should I do now? Please help. I like him, and I´m not looking for a huge
commitment I just found that a little TOO MUCH. I am 100% sure that if I
would have hooked up with a guy in front of him he would have said I was a
slut or who knows what.. so it pisses me off that now he´s trying to get
out of the situation and making me feel guilty for calling him on it. What
should I do now? I never replied anything to when he told me that since the
whole discussion was via text btw. I should also mention this is a guy who
has HUGE issues with expressing himself and communicating. And I mean mAJOR
issues, never met anyone more unable to confront things and talk than him.
Need your advice on what to do now. Should I disappear so he misses me? or
should I keep going out and act indifferent? I seriously don´t know what to
do to make him react and I´m really sad and want to know what to do!

To start off, I agree with you that what he did at the party was completely out of line. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or just sleeping together, it’s not right to make you feel like crap by making out with a girl at the same party you’re attending. There are certainly limits and he definitely crossed the boundary. However, you have to think why he did it. I don’t think it was simply because he wanted someone new to make out with, instead it was either to show you that he doesn’t really care about you and wants to express his freedom while you’re there so you can see that you can’t tie him down. Or, it could be that he was feeling tired of the secrecy and this “phoney” relationship and wanted to end it by showing you that he’s moved on rather than using words, which tends to be the normal thing to do. Also, the excuse he uses that he can’t date you because of your ex really isn’t efficient in my opinion. If he had that much respect for your ex then he wouldn’t have started anything with you in the first place. Now that you have grown to like him and require something more, he is using the “ex” card to get off starting anything serious with you. It seems like an excuse more than anything else. I’m sorry, but you asked, so I’m saying it how I see it.

Monroe is my Fuck Buddy - I
Don’t feel guilty calling him on hooking up with a girl while you’re at the same party. It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits, there is still a level of mutual respect that has to exist, and he crossed it. Now, you said you like him and want to be with him, so it’s probably not such a good idea to blow him off for sometime and wait till he misses you, because that may make him completely move on, since you did say he isn’t very good when it comes to expressing himself and communicating his emotions. What may work, however, is getting over the fact that he did the awful thing at the party and trying to patch things up. Nonetheless, I feel like you should let him see that he was wrong, not through words, but by acting hurt. Next time you meet with him, be friendly and the same you usually are, but at certain points of the night when you feel a silence or whatnot, force some tension by giving him a specific look or whatnot so he can realize for himself that he in fact fucked up. Don’t call him out on it, but express it through a look or some other action. As long as you evoke some sort of feeling in him, it can even be anger. Any feeling is better than indifference, because once a person is indifferent it is very difficult to bring life back into that relationship. Then once you see you’ve triggered some feeling in him, return back into your natural self and show him that you’re truly past it, but it will make him realize not to try anything like that ever again. The sooner you show him what sort of emotional damage he has done, the sooner he will feel worse for it. As long as you don’t hold him on it for too long and he begins to feel like there’s no point in trying to get you to forgive him because you’re not one to forgive. And once you see that he’s sincere about being sorry, that’s when you actually drop the subject all together and never bring it up again, because what’s worse than committing something bad and being sorry for it, is forced to be sorry for it over and over again. That helps no one, really. I hope my suggestions help and I wish you all the best.


  • Jessica said:

    Hey Robby G,

    Thankyou so much for your response. Well he texted me on wednesday saying he was sorry about what had happened and for making me feel that way, and asking how I´d been and where I was.. I told him I was fine.. I felt like I´d poured my heart out to him already after everything happened so I didn´t say anything else about what had happened. we spoke on wednesday and thursday and saw each other saturday. I tried to put it behind as you said, because I figured mr inexpressive was trying to act sorry in his own way.. I actually saw your response a little late, but I think that was the jist of it. I don´t know if I should have kept making him feel more guilty about it when we were together, but I didn´t want it to be awkward. He seemed kind of freaked when he didn´t hear from me after a couple of days, but that was my way of letting him know he´d screwed up. I don´t really get this guy.. I gave him an easy out by telling him how I felt, and when I did he basically runs, his first response as I said was saying we better leave things as it is, be well. Then a couple of days later he´s saying he´s sorry and felt bad. If he doesn´t care would he have come back so fast? Especially knowing that I actually do care and after everything I said about not being up for that kind of treatment. I don´t know what to think, and can´t really ask him cause as I said talking really freaks him out….any hypothesis? I´m a huge fan of all of your articles and I think you give really good advice! I just don´t know if I should persist this thing or let it go, cause with his inability for expression and words, it really hard to tell if he cares or not.

  • Robby G (author) said:

    @Jessica: Thanks for the response and kind words. It’s in these sort of situations where there’s really no more advice aside from one question you must ask yourself: “Is it worth it to not give up on him?”
    Is it best to try to make things work out and finally break through to him and see where it goes or is it at a point where you don’t see how this can turn out any better and you will be happier if you simply move on. Because also you must remember that there is a point where one is not completely emotionally dependent and that’s a time where he/she can still retreat without ending up hurt. You have to assess if you’ve past that limit and if you do retreat that you’re not hurt by it. If you have fallen over the edge, so to speak, then it may be best to try and work something out and feel him out more and see if things work out. You’re currently in the situation to choose and depending on your own values, it may be best to keep going and see if things turn out well.

  • Jessica said:

    P.s. I can´t wait to read The fbuddy book you wrote, about to purchase it online right now. I think I´m completely clueless and when you write you seem to really tell it as it is and you have great insight.

Leave your Thoughts!