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You’re in Deeper than You Think

27 September 2010 One Comment

Hi Robby,
Basically 2 years ago I met a lovely man. We started dating, seeing each
other once or twice a week. He’s a VERY busy guy, works 2 jobs, one of which
involves night shifts. I always accepted this as I’m a working mum and don’t
get much free time either. Everything was going ok but i noticed he started
to let me down sometimes and said he didn’t want full commitment as he had
broken up from a serious relationship only a few months before we met. I
accepted this as my life is just too busy for anything serious too. This
worked for a while but I still didn’t really know where i stood….the dates
stopped, we’d only see each other at our houses and it seemed to be just
sexual. I told him that i felt a bit used and after 5 months we split up. We
were apart (with no contact) for 3 months and then he got back in touch and
we fell back into the same old routine. This has happened again twice since
and it’s always him making the contact. He says he doesn’t want a relationship
BUT he questions what i’m doing, who i’m with and seems genuinely interested
in my life, kids, work etc. We are currently seeing each other but i’m being
distant. To me its just sex as i’m too scared to let my emotions get
involved again as it hurt too much before. Neither of us are seeing other
people, we both agreed that it would be unfair previously and don’t mention
it now. The only thing i’m struggling with is the fact he seems to want more
intimacy. It’s him that initiates cuddles, holding hands etc, and twice he’s
told me to look at him during sex (i just can’t ’cause if i do i know i’ll fall
for him again)
I just dont know whether its worth me trying to make it work with him or to
try to walk away again……but even if i do that i know he’ll get back in
touch again. I even started dating someone else and told him (earlier this
year) and after leaving us alone for a month he started randomly texting to
ask how i was!! I ended it with the new guy ’cause i knew i still have feelings
for this guy. I just sometimes feel like i’m flogging a dead horse. If i try
to play cool and not reply straight back to texts he keeps texting asking
what’s wrong and then gets moody and questions me!! But when i’ve told him
before that ‘i’m quitting cos you dont seem to want me’ he claims that he
does but is ‘useless’!!! HELP!

Well to begin, you are saying that you avert from looking at him during sex because you don’t want to fall for him, but the fact is you already admit later that you even broke it off with some new guy because you are emotionally attached to this one. It doesn’t matter anymore how much you try to distance yourself from him, since you are already trapped emotionally. Instead of trying to break free from him, I would suggest you let yourself open up a little more, but do it with some caution. Give yourself a little room for if things go bad or not how you imagine they will go. Right now you are stuck in between wanting to start something serious with him, and cutting all ties and trying to forget about him. It’s impossible to go on living in that “what if” environment. You have to either take the plunge or completely back off and tell him to forget you completely. To be honest, it seems like the latter is almost impossible to achieve now and I think it would be best to try and get him involved (or committed) even a little more. He seems like he is stuck in the same place as you, and I think that could be because you yourself are not allowing him to enter your life more. Though he said he didn’t want full committment in the past does not mean he hasn’t changed his mind. The more you two communicate, the more you get used to each other, and I think it is great that you are actually growing closer rather than growing apart, as it is the case in most other relationships over time.

Keep a Safety Net

Though you should try and “take the plunge” so to speak, you should also try and keep some sort of safety net that will have you rebound easily if things don’t go as planned. Currently, if you do not pursue this relationship, you will always have that “what if” thought in your mind which will always keep you wondering what if it ended up working out. But if you go into this relationship with some hope, and a planned safety net in case of failure, you will come out of it with clear answers, and I’m sure it will be great while it lasts. You have to prepare yourself mentally though, that if things do go awry that it isn’t the end of the world but it was only a limited time trial. I know it is difficult to go into a relationship with some rational mindset and with limited emotional attachment, but at least before you get fully comfortable, keep in mind that it’s better to try something and be sure it wouldn’t work out rather than not having the courage to try. And remember, the thing you said about not wanting to get emotionally attached is already impossible, because you clearly have something else going on with him than a small crush. And I think he feels the same way.

One Comment »

  • Dawn said:

    Thanks, you’re insight is amazing! I’m putting a plan into action, i’ve nothing to lose!! Will keep you updated.

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